The Shulamite Syndrome: Making Sense of Romantic Relationships

The Shulamite: “Make this promise to me, o women of Jerusalem! If you find my beloved one, tell him that I am sick with love.”

Daughters of Jerusalem: “O woman of rare beauty, what is it about your loved one that brings you to tell us this?

The Shulamite: “My lover is dark and dazzling, better than ten thousand others! His head is the finest gold and his hair is wavy and black. His eyes like doves beside brooks of water; they are set like jewels. His cheeks are like sweetly scented beds of spices. His lips like perfumed lilies. His breath is like myrrh. His arms are like round bars of gold, set with chrysolite. His body is like bright ivory, aglow with sapphires. His legs are like pillars of marble set in sockets of the finest gold, strong as the cedars of Lebanon. None can rival him. His mouth is altogether sweet; he is lovely in every way. Such, o women of Jerusalem, is my lover, my friend.

This except from a conversation found in Song of Solomon chapter 5 depicts the love sick heart of the Shulamite woman. It is said that this is a tale of a woman and King Solomon. But it is also said that the entire book shows similarities to our relationship with Jesus Christ, our King of Kings. Notice how the Shulamite searches with her whole heart for her “lover”, her “friend”.

Previous scriptures set the stage for what is one of the most challenging human emotions that we face – love. Love, when in a healthy relationship brings vigor and a sense of unity that is never felt before. Not only does your emotions become more robust, but you physical and spiritual being reacts in kind. Unfortunately, many of us become “sick of love”, but not in a healthy way. We literally become sick. Anxiety, fear, and even depression have touched the lives of many of us who have been in love.

“What if he/she doesn’t call?” “OMG, what if he/she doesn’t like me?” And the questions are played on and on like a bad rerun or that same annoying commercial or song on the radio that you just can’t get out of your head. Well, I recently experienced this. What a wakeup call! I met someone in a chat room and the conversation was off the hook. It felt like we had known each other for years and, if I may add, he is so handsome. His smile even seemed to touch me. Six emails were passed back and forth and then nothing.

I soon realized that I got caught up in a moment and felt an adrenaline rush like that of a balloon being filled with helium. Now, let me make a note here. By no means am I saying that the person purposely filled me up to have me pop liked a balloon. I am, however, recounting the dangers of allowing my emotions to run away with me … just like the Shulamite woman did when visited by her lover, her friend.

My mind went a mile a minute, “What if…?”, “Did I???”, “Was I?”, etc. … etc. What’s worse, I really know better.  A conversation is just that, a conversation. Though it’s not wrong to desire more interaction, it has to be kept in proper prospective. Here are some things to consider?

1. What is the current relationship, if there is one?
   1. With that of the Shulamite she was betrothed to her lover, her friend. Notice the words she used, “my lover, my friend”. They didn’t just meet causally. They had spent quality time together in the fields near her home land.
   2. Be careful that you keep an honest assessment of where you are in the relationship. Whether you just met, or have known each other a while do yourself a favor – Never let them see you sweat.
   3. What will happen if he/she doesn’t call?
      1. Will the world come to an end if they don’t call? If so, seek immediate professional attention. You may be dealing with some other issues that are showing up and you need to get a handle on it.
      2. When we become over anxious and even pushy we cause ourselves harm and damage the perception others have of us. Additionally we need to keep in mind that we cannot, nor should we try to, control others or take responsibility for the actions of other people.

And finally …

1. What was your life like before you met them?
   1. a.      If you were a nut before you met them then you’re still a nut. (laughing) Seriously, don’t try to change yourself because you “think” that the person would like you better a different way. Too often we spend needless time, energy and even money trying to change who we are. The key word is change … not mature. If you mature through your experiences then change is good. But if you are changing to please others then please, get a grip and just learn to be you.

Ok, there is one more thing….

Be honest with yourself and learn how to wait. Later in the book the Shulamite tells the daughters of Jerusalem, “…don’t wake live until it’s time.”  Don’t make something out of nothing. You don’t know what the other person is dealing with at the moment. They could be feeling just like you are. So, wait it out, pray it up, and continue to be the you that you were when you met them. Undoubtedly they saw something that they liked if they even conversed with you.

Oh and guess what? If they did decide not to pursue anything further oh well. Really! It’s they’re loss. Never give up who you are to chase someone down or lock yourself away in a room all depressed. You are worth more than that. Keep your self- worth, self-respect, and lay a hold on true relationships that are for your good.

What about my situation? Well, it’s only been a short time. If I do hear from him again I will converse with him like I did before and take it one conversation at a time. In the meantime, I pray that God teaches me to guard my heart, guides my lips, and gives me grace to live pleasing to Him first. For HE is truly my “first husband” and “my lover, my friend.” Blessings.